Why I failed the Mountie exam

Below are actual questions that applicants for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have to answer in a polygraph exam to be considered for the program. Supposedly, the idea is to screen out terrorists, but a newly declassified RCMP assessment of the polygraph program's privacy implications says the force was "not doing a sufficient job" of weeding out unworthy applicants.

I think this is just another slap in the face for drunks, shoplifters and flashers.

Needless to say, I didn't do so well with my answers.

How many times have you been intoxicated in the past year?

Lunar or Chinese?

What is the worst thing you have ever done as a result of drinking alcohol?

Probably drank more alcohol...it gets real fuzzy after that.
Have you ever engaged in bestiality?

Hypothetically, if I said once with a horse, would that hurt my chances?

Have you ever switched price tags on an item to obtain something for a lesser price?

Yes, but I think it was wrong to put a value on a child in the first place.

Have you ever intentionally set a building, structure or vehicle on fire?

Yes, but to be fair, there's a lot of crazy stuff that goes on at Burning Man.

Have you ever threatened anyone over the Internet?

Who's to say what really constitutes a "threat" these days. By the way, what's your email?

Have you ever exposed yourself to anyone in public?

Where else would one expose themselves?

Have you ever tried to take your life?

Only every time I hear Gordon Lightfoot.