Joe the Blogger

Toby Jones is Back

2009-04-20T14:57:00.004-04:00

As much as I think Billy Mays might be the ultimate pitchman, Toby Jones is certainly giving him a run for his money.

You might remember Toby from a prior post, Jones Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage.

Now he's got a new business venture; Jones Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage, where he'll fry parts of a chicken you didn't even know were fryable.

You can still give him a call or find him on "them world-wide internets."

I'm going to go on down there and get a slice of some dinosaur.

Megan Joy: Bad singer, worse chicken

2009-04-03T16:13:00.004-04:00

In honor of Megan Joy's ca-cawing departure from American Idol this week. I thought you'd enjoy this montage from Arrested Development of various interpretations of a chicken.

Arrested Development- Chicken Dance

How to impress people with your dinosaur killing skills

2009-03-25T20:53:00.008-04:00

I don't hunt, but if I did, I'm pretty sure I would only hunt Velociraptors. Fortunately, I don't have to go through the whole process of getting a permit, hiring a tracker, hiding in the woods, masking my scent with Raptor Musk (which stings the nostrils worse than Sex Panther), engaging in a life-and-death battle, cleaning my kill and mounting it's head on my wall.

For only $521 (as of 9pm Wednesday) I can streamline the whole process and get this full-size raptor head on ebay. I don't really know how it was acquired but apparently it was killed legally in Jurassic Park.

Worth a thousand words

2009-03-20T13:23:00.005-04:00

Sometimes we just need to look at a picture that is so far from making sense in order to make sense of our own lives. With that, I give you my new favorite site: Picture is Unrelated, where you can find gems like the ones below. The fact that there's no context for any of the pictures on the site makes it that much better.

They are always looking for submissions, so if you come across a picture where the only possible reaction is WTF?, then by all means email it to them.

Best bowling shot ever

2009-03-17T15:03:00.002-04:00

You've got to watch this amazing bowling shot. I'm not sure what the announcers are saying, but they're obviously impressed as well,

We dig evolution...more than Turkey

2009-03-13T20:33:00.003-04:00

I think that, as Americans, we should pick one country and try to be better than them at everything we do. For me, that country is Turkey.

When it comes to sports, we're in pretty good shape. Do a quick Google Search for Turkish Sports Legends and you won't find too much (unless you consider arm wrestling a sport)

So needless to say, I was pretty excited to see this graph ranking the public acceptance of evolution in 35 countries and the only country we beat was Turkey.

Look out Cyprus...we're coming after you next!

Man's New Best Friend

2009-03-10T11:44:00.005-04:00

I remember watching The Empire Strikes Back as a child and wondering what kind of pets AT-ATs would be.

Thanks to these great photos from NickIsConfused we can see how precious the little guys are. Some days I wish I had an AT-AT, if for no other reason than to silence those yapping terriers that walk by my window every morning.

This definitely wouldn't work in Jersey

2009-03-02T09:12:00.006-05:00

Along with the right to carry guns in public, I feel like it's our right as Americans to swear in public. However, there's a movement afoot to keep those of us who like to impress their friends with their spot-on Gordon Ramsey impersonation down.

15-year-old McKay Hatch of Pasadena thought he was on to such a good thing when he started the No Cussing Club at his high school that he's now taking it up a notch. He successfully lobbied the LA County Board of Supervisors to issue a proclamation officially making the first week in March No Cussing Week.

So if you see someone wearing on of the No Cussing Club's gaudy orange t-shirts or carrying one of their How Many Hugs Do You Need cards in their wallets, be sure not to ask them how much they spent on that f#@%*n c#*p.

I think I want pizza...

2009-02-24T09:44:00.002-05:00

So it's been a while since I've posted any bizarre Japanese videos, but this one just seemed to good to pass up.

I guess it's a commercial for pizza, but I'm not entirely sure. After watching it I had the same reaction as Homer Simpson after he watched the Mr. Sparkle commercial.

Please let them play Bon Jovi tonight...

2009-02-20T12:44:00.008-05:00

It's only February, but I think we've found an early favorite for this year's best viral video. Check out this Celtics fan dancing to Livin' on a Prayer.

Can you imagine the anticipation that must grip this guy waiting for them to play the one song that he's worked so hard to bust a routine to?

The Joe The Blogger Investigation Unit has been hard at work trying to find out some details about the dancer. JTBIU has found out that his name is Jeremy Fry, and has a serious thing for Bon Jovi and attention from crowds.

Personally, I'd avoid inviting him to your next karaoke jam or 80s party.

How many calories are in a Turbaconuken?

2009-02-17T14:44:00.008-05:00

More importantly, what is a Turbaconuken?

It's a chicken, inside of a duck, inside of a turkey, with the whole thing wrapped in bacon. This is just one of the many disturbing, yet somewhat appetizing dishes featured on thisiswhyyourefat.com.

Looking at some of these things is like looking at a deep-fried chocolate-coated train wreck. It's awful and disturbing, yet impossible to look away.

This one might be my favorite, it's a McNuggetini: A McDonald’s chocolate milkshake with vanilla vodka, rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a chicken McNugget.

What's more refreshing than cow urine?

2009-02-12T10:05:00.004-05:00

Apparently to scientists in India, nothing.

In a country that has boycotted Coke and Pepsi since 1984, their new take on a refreshing summer beverage involves moving forward with a drink made from cow urine and herbs.

"Don't worry, it won't smell like urine and will be tasty too," said project leader Om Prakash. "It's going to be very healthy. It won't be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins."

I'm glad their addressing this, because if there's one single drawback to urine-based drinks, it's got to be the smell.

Somewhere, executives from Sunny D (formerly known as Sunny Delight) must be thrilled to know that somebody has finally made something more disgusting than the swill they've been pushing on kids for years.

The not-so great escape

2009-02-03T17:25:00.000-05:00

So say you're a prisoner looking to make a quick escape, but you're chained to another guy. I think the one thing you really need to coordinate is how you're going to avoid lamp posts. Needless to say, these two hapless New Zealand cons did not.

Those poles can really sneak up on you.

Caution: Raptors ahead

2009-02-03T12:41:00.006-05:00

First off, I apologize for the lack of posts over the past month. Between vacation, the snow, earthquakes and my real job it's been tough. But I'm back and I promise to post more regularly.

So my favorite new trend is people hacking into electronic road signs. The latest incident came this week in Indiana, where someone changed an electronic road sign to read: Raptors Ahead: Caution.

Apparently not everyone realized this was a prank, including a few clueless motorists.

"It's kind of crazy. I'm totally confused," said one motorist. "I'm kind of expecting … dinosaurs to run down the road, or something."
Another puzzled motorist said, "Which raptors?" before adding that he hadn't seen the sign.

This comes less than a week after someone hacked into electronic road signs in Texas to warn about Zombies.

I'm certainly not endorsing the practice of hacking into road signs, but I think an award should be given for the most creative hacked sign.

Are your Facebook friends really worth a Whopper?

2009-01-09T13:43:00.006-05:00

So Burger King is asking a tough question.

Which would you rather have, your Facebook friends or a free Whopper?

With their new Whopper Sacrifice app, all you have to do is delete 10 of your friends from Facebook and you get a free Whopper. Unfortunately it only works once, but the hilarity that's sure to ensue when you told them you deleted them just to get a Whopper will be well worth it.

I would sell all my friends to Chinese organ thieves for a lifetime supply of In-N-Out Burgers, but I've already sent them cards letting them know that.

Old People News

2009-01-08T14:36:00.000-05:00

It's news for old people by old people. I never knew peroxide had so many uses.

This kind of reminds me of those public access shows that used to be on local cable. I used to love how people would call up just to swear at the guys on Jets Roundtable.

The practical and fun Japanese jetpack

2009-01-08T09:26:00.004-05:00

Found this great video from Japan of a guy trying out a water-powered jetpack. There's not much scientific value to it, but it's still fun to watch a guy get tossed 100 feet into a lake.

Ridin' that train...

2009-01-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

What better way to spend a cold Saturday in New York City than by riding the subways sans-pants.

It's hard to believe, but it's almost time for this year's No Pants Subway Ride. The event, put on by Improv Everywhere, has grown since 2002 from seven participants to almost 1,000 last year. It's also expanded across the country to cities like Boston, Baltimore, Chicago, San Francisco (surprise) and Washington D.C.

This year's event is taking place on January 10, and you can see all of the details here. There are surprising lengthy instructions, including what you should do once you board the trains:

Sit in the car as you normally would. Read a magazine or whatever you would normally do. Your team leader will have already divided you into smaller groups, assigning your group a specific stop where you will depants. Sit near your group.

As soon as the doors shut at the stop before yours, stand up and take your pants off and put them in your backpack. If you’d like to use a briefcase, purse, grocery bag, or whatever instead of a backpack that’s fine too. You are responsible for your own pants and they should be with you at all times. If anyone asks you why you’ve removed your pants, tell them that they were “getting uncomfortable” (or something along those lines.)

If you are planning on participating....best of luck. Try not to catch Syphilus.

You are not invited to my party

2009-01-05T12:51:00.006-05:00

David Thorne, famous for the in lieu of payment, please accept this spider emails I wrote about in November is at it again. He received the note below in his mailbox regarding a party that his neighbor was having, but apparently was not invited.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn't invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn't come.

If I was writing a note to my neighbours saying that I was going to have a party but none of them could come, I would not add photos of ecstasy tablets, beer and gratuitous shots of Lucius going down on men to show them what they are missing out on, I would make it clean and simple, possibly even sombre, so they didn't think 'you prick'.

So he initiated another hilarious chain of emails with his neighbor, which you can read here.

One of the highlights is him asking to borrow his neighbor's car and mentioned that he will be bringing along his "quite violent" friend Simon, commenting that "sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him."

As his new neighbor – whose name is given as Matthew Smythe – became increasingly confused and irate, Mr Thorne then announced his new plan to come as a "ninja", making his arrival through a window.

"I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them," he wrote.

"If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black T-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night."

Mr Smythe responded: "You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the ---- is wrong with you???"

Green power goes rodent

2008-12-30T13:03:00.004-05:00

If you love your hamster, but hate identity theft, then have I got the gadget for you. A London-based designer has designed a paper shredder that's powered solely by a hamster. I'll let that sink in for a second.

"I wanted to come up with a product that would capture people's imagination while addressing issues of topical concern such as climate change, recycling and identity fraud.

"The hamster shredder provides a solution to all of these things because it relies on the hamster to generate power, destroys confidential documents and turns paper into bedding.

"Owners can put their paper in the top before they go to bed and wake up to find the hamster has been on its wheel and shredded the paper in the process.

"The hamster just has to go about its normal life."

I guess they don't have Office Depot or Staples in London. . . or hamsters that lead normal lives.

It takes about 45 minutes for the hamster to shred each piece of paper, so if the feds are kicking in your door and you need to destroy a lot of documents in a hurry, this might not be the best option for you.

Best vacation photo ever

2008-12-30T12:57:00.005-05:00

So here's me in front of some historic scaffolding and a guy who apparently can't ride a bike....

Wish you were here.

H/T: The Inquisitr

When sledding goes very wrong

2008-12-29T13:47:00.003-05:00

What's amazing is how this reporter just watches as he's about to get hit and doesn't move out of the way. But give him credit for almost nailing the landing.

For the Vampire hunter on the go

2008-12-27T11:35:00.008-05:00

I had a really difficult time this year shopping for the travelling vampire hunters in my family.

Getting holy water is no problem (I have a hook-up), and scoring garlic is easy enough. Quick tip - even though peeling garlic can be a pain, you've got to use it because minced garlic does not work at all.

But now, for less than the price of the price of a ticket to see Jewel you can get a full Vampire killing kit on eBay.

The crucifix is from Paris, as stamped on the back of it, and it is obviously old. The Box also appears very old. The vials are brass, and contain Holy Water in the one with the copper tag with the "H" stamped on it, and the other vial has "G"stamped on it for garlic. The vial corks are sealed in red wax. A small wooden stake completes the set. A "V" is stamped on the copper plate on top for "Vampire". The parts, crucifix, wood box, screws, and metals used are old and tarnished, and most parts of the set are vintage.

But move quick, the auction ends on Monday. As of this morning the bid was up to $61, and, according to the seller's comments, is guaranteed to kill Vampires. And for you irony fans, the seller is located in Surprise, AZ.

Take a look inside...

2008-12-24T09:30:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays to the entire Joe The Blogger army. I'm sure I'll be posting sporadically over the next few days, but I wanted to share a Christmas classic to enjoy with the whole family.

SNL A Special Christmas Box - Watch more free videos

Best wishes and be safe....especially in New Jersey where the swamps have turned to sheet ice.

Lock and load for Christmas

2008-12-23T09:59:00.007-05:00

Question: How do you combine the warm sentiments of Christmas with the unabashed recklessness of firearms?

Answer: The Christmas Cannon of course.

Lets face it, decorating takes way too much time and there's far too little gunplay. But now thanks to this handy pneumatic cannon, you can blast Christmas spirit wherever you need to in a split second. Just jam tinsel, confetti, snow or 3 pounds of ground reindeer meat into the barrel, pump it up using a basic air pump and BOOM! - Instant Christmas.

I'm sure this would work for other holidays . . .especially Grandparents day. Although you might get in a bit of trouble firing saplings at hippies during Arbor Day. Check out the video below to see how fun and easy shooting a guy in the face with tinsel can be.

H/T: Instructables.com

A perfect gift for the dog lover...

2008-12-22T16:24:00.003-05:00

Another great photo from Failblog.org

I think if you are going to hire people to work in a bookstore, you really need to review proper price sticker placement on day one, or stuff like this is going to happen.

Once again, clowns threaten society

2008-12-22T10:18:00.007-05:00

It's hard out there for clowns. Aside from emotionally scarring children for life, apparently now they are a threat to air safety in Europe.

According to the Telegraph in the U.K, a man slated to board a charity flight to perform for children wearing colorful panataloons, huge comedy shoes and a flashing police helmet was strip searched by airport authorities who thought he was a security risk.

Clowns are pretty creepy to begin with, but I don't think I ever want to see what's under the makeup.

He joked: I showed them my police-clown identity card, which had my picture next to the my credentials as a member of the Criminal Insane Department, but I don't think that really helped.

"But to be honest, it was a bit extreme of them to make me remove my costume because the metal detector had gone off."

I personally don't think it's extreme, nor do I think we should wait until a metal detector goes off to take down a clown. You can do a lot of harm with make-up and balloon animals.

Does your insurance cover Mexican ambulances?

2008-12-17T15:46:00.002-05:00

After watching this video...probably not.

It doesn't seem like they have the intensive paramedic training we have over here, since one of the people helping the patient falls out as well.

So if you're sick or injured in Mexico...be sure and take the bus to the hospital.

Yes Virginia, Santa's drunk in San Francisco again

2008-12-16T13:00:00.002-05:00

I will read any story with the headline, San Francisco Overrun With Drunken, Smoking, Half-Naked Santas Again.

So you can imagine how happy I was when I saw a report from SF Weekly, about a yearly tradition called Santacon, where hundreds of people dressed like jolly old Saint Nick pretty much run amok in San Francisco.

They were chanting "Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!" and by they, I mean about 200 people dressed in some version, and in many cases a perverse version, of Santa Claus. They were also playing dodge ball, climbing trees, pounding beers, and generally inciting chaos.

I shouldn't single out San Francisco. A quick search of the news showed that Santacons are taking place all over the country, including New York. Check out this video of Santacon in the city this year....nothing says Christmas like drunken Santas and Michael Jackson.

So if you're a parent, be warned about taking your child to sit on Santa's lap now that you know what that lap has been up to.

Spiritual Arrest

2008-12-16T00:01:00.002-05:00

It probably goes without saying, but be careful if you are planning any break-ins in Malaysia over the holidays.

A 36-year-old man broke into a home in Kemanan over the weekend, and when he tried to leave, apparently a ghost, spirit or poltergeist kept him from doing so....for three days.

The burglar, who entered via the back door, claimed that he was blinded once he was inside and felt like he was in a cave.

“Each time I wanted to flee, I felt a ‘supernatural figure’ shoving me to the ground,’’ he told police.

He claimed this was his first time experiencing such trauma during a break-in.

We Can't Let This Bank Fail

2008-12-15T00:01:00.010-05:00

Not every bank will be recieving a bailout this year.

There's one bank that really needs your help during the holidays. If you only do one charitable thing in the next two weeks, please help a hungry family in New Jersey put food on their table by supporting our largest Food Bank.

I'm really proud to be part of the Blogging out Hunger campaign. There are over 100 of us putting the word out today to try and make a difference in the lives of people who are hungry in our state.

Check out this video which shows how serious the situation is for hungry families in New Jersey this year.

The economy is taking it's toll on hard working families in New Jersey this year, and nowhere is that more evident than at the Community FoodBank of New Jersey (CFBNJ), the largest food bank in the state, where requests for food have gone up 30 percent, but donations are down by 25 percent.

Warehouse shelves that are typically stocked with food are bare and supplies have gotten so low that, for the first time in its 25 year history, the food bank is developing a rationing mechanism.

As the state's key distributor of food to local banks – serving more than 500,000 people a year and providing assistance to nearly 1,700 non-profits in the state – the stability of replenishment of the CFBNJ is essential to ensuring that individuals in need have access to food.

There are a few simple things you can do to make a huge difference:
Make a monetary contribution: Visit http://www.njfoodbank.org/. Even $5 would go a long way.
Donate food: Drop off a bag of food at your local food pantry. You can find them at http://www.sefan.org/
Organize a food drive: It's very easy to start a food drive. Just call 908-355-FOOD for details.
Help "Check Out Hunger:" Look for the "Check Out Hunger" coupons at your local supermarket and donate. No donation is too small.

Some facts about hunger in America:

More than 35 million Americans, including 12 million children, either live with or are on the verge of hunger. - USDA, Household Food Security in the United States, 2006

The number of families coming to churches and food banks trying to get help to feed their families has increased approximately 20 percent. - National Anti-Hunger Organizations, 2008 Blueprint to End Hunger

According to a recent survey, 6 percent of Americans said they or someone in their immediate family has gone to bed hungry in the past month because they could not afford enough food. - 2008 Hormel Hunger Survey

One out of every five New Jersey families does not earn enough to afford the basic necessities – housing, food and child care – although 85 percent of these households have at least one family member who is working. – Poverty Research Institute, June 2008

In New Jersey alone, an estimated 250,000 new clients will be seeking sustenance this year from the state’s food banks. – “No Food on the table,” By Judy Peet, The Star-Ledger, Oct. 23, 2008

A sneak peek at Maya Angelou's inauguration speech

2008-12-14T11:22:00.009-05:00

So election fever has been replaced with inauguration fever.

I will be out of the country, as I like to do every time people start buzzing about the impending apocalypse. But I thought you'd enjoy this inauguration preview from Chocolate News on Comedy Central. The show is generally not that funny, but David Alan Grier does a dead-on Maya Angelou impersonation rehearsing the poem she is planning to read at Obama's inauguration.

The best part is when she recites the speech she prepared if McCain had won at about the 2:40 mark.

US military unveils the soldier of the future

2008-12-14T10:01:00.006-05:00

I'm not even really sure how something like this happens. Like so many things, it leaves us with more questions than answers.

I think it's one thing if you're going to dress up your own pets, but people, we don't need to be dressing up wild animals. Whoever did it, though, you do have to give them respect for their attention to detail.

How not to advertise your fake Id business

2008-12-11T15:50:00.005-05:00

Great story out of Chattanooga - Police actually call this a "mobile lab" for making fake Ids. I never thought you could make a Ford Escort into a "lab" for anything, but kudos to this guy's entrepreneurial spirit.

According to Newschannel 9: At about 9 a.m., Monday Trooper Gary Myers saw a Ford Escort visibly advertising identification cards that could be made in ten minutes. The Escort's vehicle did not have a commercial license plate, known as an H-1 tag, required for vehicles used in a commercial enterprise.

When he stopped the vehicle, Trooper Myers saw a portable computer in the front seat and a card printer for producing plastic IDs in the rear seat. The driver gave consent to search and troopers say they recovered several fake Tennessee and Florida ID's.

I like the bumper stickers as well....are we supposed to ask him about Jesus because he's got a funny story about how he wanted a Tennessee driver's licence?

Spread the love with an inappropriate card

2008-12-11T07:00:00.002-05:00

If you're going to send a card during the holidays, you might as well make it a memorable one.

But if you're like me and get your holiday cards on December 23, you know how lousy the selection is. Most Hallmark stores look like they've just been looted, so I'm usually left sending "For a special grandson" cards to everyone. Yes you're on it again this year! Season's Greetings

Finally, the worlds of warm sentiments and profanity have met, and surprise...it's in Jersey.

The people at Nobleworks Cards in Hoboken allow you to personalize and send an inappropriate card for any occasion. You can even add your own photo and message and have it sent directly to the intended recipient so you don't have to deal with stamps and addressing envelopes.

Finally...an accurate beer commercial

2008-12-10T15:48:00.004-05:00

Those Corona commercials are great, but here's a clip that depicts the Corona experience far more accurately

H/T: Uberguy.com

Are you prepared for an escaped rhino?

2008-12-10T11:35:00.006-05:00

Found this great training video made for zookeepers in Tokyo about how to handle an escaped rhino.

I love the fact that they are wearing hard hats and they actually use a tranquilizer dart on the poor guy serving as the back half of the rhino. I also like how the zookeepers take out the spectators with wooden sticks in order to protect them from the plastic rhino.

These techniques also work well on holiday shoppers.

Prescription to bust a cap

2008-12-09T11:32:00.008-05:00

I've always felt adamant about two things: Old people with deteriorating health should have guns and the government should pay for them.

The people at Constitution Arms in Maplewood, NJ have listened and come out with the Palm Pistol, which they hoped to have approved as a medical device. It's a great addition for the gun-loving senior on your shopping list who might not have the dexterity to use a Glock or Tec-9.

"It's something that they need to assist them in daily living," says Matthew Carmel, president of Constitution Arms.

"The justification for this would be no more or less for a [walking aid] or wheelchair, or any number of things that are medical devices," he says. "It is also ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have limited strength or manual dexterity. Using the thumb instead of the index finger for firing, it significantly reduces muzzle drift, one of the principal causes of inaccurate targeting. Point and shoot couldn't be easier."

This opens up a whole new can of worms for Medicare-grade weapons. Maybe Wilford Brimley can start hawking brass knuckles or samurai swords. I hope he does it on horseback.

Unfortunately, those crazies down at the FDA didn't quite agree with Matt Carmel and said that the Palm Pistol wasn't a medical device. Hopefully this will only be a minor bump in the road to implementing a full-on Guns for Geezers program throughout Palm Beach during the holiday season.

What's wrong with this picture?

2008-12-05T18:51:00.003-05:00

The answer is....everything.

Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage

2008-12-05T10:59:00.007-05:00

The world needs more people like Toby Jones.

He not only asks the tough questions like, "do you know how big a bus is," but also offers a solution to a problem we all have experienced.

He knows there's a lot of stuff around your house that you just don't need or aren't going to use, like that "ugly yellow luggage," and he's willing to help you out by storing it on the cheap.

He'll store anything like an elephant or even your weed. You can give him a call or find him on "them internets."

Call him soon, because he's pretty drunk.

Is failure funny?

2008-12-04T14:19:00.003-05:00

Absolutely. Except when followed by...to launch.

The Fail Blog is a great site of pictures and videos of things gone wrong. Like this homework assignment.

Check out more at http://failblog.org/

The Dan Band is coming to NYC!

2008-12-04T10:41:00.005-05:00

Quick quiz: What was the funniest part of the movie Old School?

If you answered The Dan Band playing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at Will Farrell's wedding, you are correct.

In case you forgot, here's the song - not from the movie, but from The Dan Band live.

The Dan Band is the brainchild of Dan Finnerty from LA, and, according to Wikipedia, "the band is well known for its covers of originally female-performed pop songs, with added obscenities and swearing." But they are actually a really tight band with a great stage show. Their album is hilarious, with medleys of Hold on/Luka, Fame/What a feeling and, by far the best, Shoop / Whatta Man / Never Gonna Get It.

So for those of you in the NY area, they are going to be playing this Saturday night at the Filmore at Irving Plaza. I'm not allowed to go since I'm banned from the Filmore for trying to crowd surf during a Cowboy Junkies show. But I would encourage everyone else in the greater tri-state area to go and report back.

You can get tickets through ticketmaster here.

What's Mr. T been up to?

2008-12-02T07:34:00.001-05:00

During my illness I was having hallucinations that Mr. T was trying to smother me, and it made me wonder what he's been doing of late.

In his TVLand reality show last year, called, creatively enough, I pity the Fool, he goes around the country to motivate people who have crappy jobs by doing their job and leading by example. I would encourage you to watch a few episodes if you get a chance. There's a great one where he sells used cars.

But he's also been doing commercials in the UK for Snickers. Check out this great one where he tells a speedwalker to "Get Some Nuts!" The commercial was actually banned, which once again shows the power that "Big Walking" wields.

A Christmas Caning

2008-12-01T18:51:00.007-05:00

Sorry about the lack of posts over the past few days...been feeling a bit under the weather.

But this story caught my eye courtesy of KCRA in Sacramento.

Let this serve as a warning to those of you thinking of getting your Nog on during the holidays and challenging a few neighbors to a knife fight.

The incident began in Del Paso Heights when Donald Kercell, 49, became drunk and then got angry, Sgt. Norm Leong said.

Kercell grabbed a knife at about 5:45 p.m. and went outside of a residence in the 3600 block of Dayton Street to confront neighbors, police said.

Leong said Kercell swung the knife and went after some people, adding that some of those being chased suffered minor injuries.

A bystander picked up a 2-foot-long candy cane decoration, smacked Kercell with it and disarmed him, Leong said.

When police arrived, they found Kercell sprawled on a lawn.

Kercell was later arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon.

The person who used the candy cane to beat Kercell was not arrested, authorities said.

I found a great quote about Kercell from the Sacramento Bee in 2007:

Kercell is a 48-year-old resident of Rio Linda. In his youth, he discovered two things. One was that he had a talent for working with concrete. The other was methamphetamine.
The former, coupled with an impressive work ethic, kept Kercell gainfully employed much of the time. The latter put him in prison.

Oh Donald Kercell...will you ever learn?

These could hurt your brain

2008-11-26T16:30:00.003-05:00

Just stumbled onto some of the coolest optical illusions ever.

If you focus on the picture, all the wheels start to spin (in both directions). However, if you then concentrate on a single wheel, that wheel will stop whilst the others keep turning.

Check out all of the top 20 optical illusions here, courtesy of the Telegraph UK.

You can't trust a Muppet

2008-11-26T14:15:00.000-05:00

From The Daily Dust:

You have to hand it to the German privacy laws, they provide some of the greatest get-out clauses we at The Daily Dust have ever seen. Take this one, in regards to speeding tickets. To get one in Germany the police need (a) your licence plate and (b) to clearly identify you as the driver.

Catch is, they’re not allowed to identify the passengers. So, thinks one plucky Brit, what happens if their delightful automatic privacy screens will mask the passenger in the left hand seat. Which is where I, in my british designed left hand drive car, am sitting. Bingo, no proof it was me driving!

Which would be cheeky enough, but then to really make his (or her) point, he decided to put a life size Animal from the Muppet Show into the seat, just for the camera. Raaaa-raaaa-raaaaa,” as the drummer from Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem would say.

Will work for Frosted Flakes

2008-11-26T09:20:00.005-05:00

Times really are getting tough.

I hope this doesn't become a trend. I don't want to open my 401K statement and see a picture of Count Chocula.

Thanks to Burbia.com

What's worse than jail?

2008-11-25T14:25:00.005-05:00

Barry Manilow of course.

Judge Paul Sacco in Colorado is punishing noise ordinance violators by sentencing them to sit in a room for an hour and listen to music they don't like.

Ten years ago, the judge found that too many repeat offenders were returning to his courtroom.

Many of them were teenagers whose parents would pay off the fines they incurred from playing their music too loud.

Mr Sacco did not feel that the message that noise pollution was unacceptable was getting through, so he decided to give the teenagers a bit of their own medicine.

The playlist at a recent session included:

Barry Manilow's I can't smile without you
The Platters' Only You
Joni Mitchell's Chelsea Morning.

So what songs would you punish people with?

Crazy in love...with Ferrets

2008-11-24T20:43:00.007-05:00

So I watched a documentary on PBS a few weeks ago about the ultra-competitive world of Ferret shows, which, ironically, is called The Pursuit of Excellence. It was a lot like the movie Best in Show, but with Ferrets and real people, which made it substantially less funny. For those of you unfamiliar with Ferrets, they were brought to America by Vasco De Gama to provide an alternative source of vermin for those who were allergic to rats and plague.

Needless to say, the most disturbing thing about the movie was the fact that everyone seemed obligated to wear shirts that said "Got Ferrets?" I feel like, if you are at the Ferret show, more than likely you've got ferrets.

I knew that PBS didn't even think to highly of the movie, because they didn't break once to hit the viewers up for money. It was like they were apologizing for making me feel so dirty. The best part is that the ferrets all have names like "Obsidian Tears" and "Mr. Marshmallow Man," and one woman got a bit to close to one of the ferrets and it took a huge gash out of her nose.

I'm not sure what looks worse, wearing a shirt that says Got Ferrets? or wearing the same shirt, covered in your own blood while screaming "WHY MR. MARSHMALLOW MAN, WHY?!?"

So maybe at this point the movie still sounds appealing. You're thinking you'll throw back a couple Ferretinis (Stoli, sugar and mouse vomit), sit back and have a good laugh. Well then I would encourage you to just watch this clip....it kind of sums up the whole movie in 40 seconds. This is the edited version. In the movie the song goes on for 41 minutes.

Check out a great warning label for Ferrets here.

Cat on a Roomba

2008-11-24T20:32:00.005-05:00

For whatever reason, this is strangely hypnotic.

All my favorite shows are ending, so now I'm left watching stuff like this.

Arrr! Where be the pirates?

2008-11-24T09:37:00.006-05:00

There is nothing worse than planning a trip at sea, only to have it be ruined by pirates. It seems like they are just everywhere these days.

But now the International Maritime Bureau is looking to help by offering a real-time map of pirate activity based on Google Maps.

You can click on each flag to get a detailed report of the incident. Just taking a glance at the map, I would try to avoid doing much sailing around Africa.

Feel the need for Speed(fit)

2008-11-21T10:24:00.004-05:00

So I thought people couldn't look any dumber when they jogged, but thanks to Speedfit, that's now possible. The best part is about 30 seconds into this video where they show off the tandem mode. Because the best way to get in the zone when working out is to have another sweaty panting dude behind you. This is also a great training device for someone who might be thinking about chasing another person, but wants to experiment with the idea before doing it in a real world situation.

By the way, they're looking for investors.

You will never get this song out of your head

2008-11-20T16:42:00.001-05:00

Why stupid people shouldn't breed

2008-11-19T15:07:00.001-05:00

I don't usually like to call people out by name, but this case is different.

Jackee and Roger Sealy are complete idiots and should be sterilized.

When it comes to their three children, Roger and Jackee Sealy share naming responsibilities. She gets to pick the first name. He gets to pick the middle name.
"I came up with Brooke, Cooper, and Carter, and he came up with Trout, John Elway and Barack Obama," Jackee told KUSA in Denver.

Seriously? Usually in a relationship like this there's one person that's has moronic ideas like....I don't know....naming your child Brooke Trout or Carter John Elway, and another who serves as the more level-headed one.

Not the Sealy's apparently. They're both morons.

Isn't there enough novelty with screwing up one child? Why must you punish two other innocents purely for having you as parents.

I was hoping when I first read this story that it was Jackee from 227, which, in all honesty, would have made it okay. Don't ask me why.

Why I failed the Mountie exam

2008-11-18T18:08:00.000-05:00

Below are actual questions that applicants for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have to answer in a polygraph exam to be considered for the program. Supposedly, the idea is to screen out terrorists, but a newly declassified RCMP assessment of the polygraph program's privacy implications says the force was "not doing a sufficient job" of weeding out unworthy applicants.

I think this is just another slap in the face for drunks, shoplifters and flashers.

Needless to say, I didn't do so well with my answers.

How many times have you been intoxicated in the past year?

Lunar or Chinese?

What is the worst thing you have ever done as a result of drinking alcohol?

Probably drank more alcohol...it gets real fuzzy after that.
Have you ever engaged in bestiality?

Hypothetically, if I said once with a horse, would that hurt my chances?

Have you ever switched price tags on an item to obtain something for a lesser price?

Yes, but I think it was wrong to put a value on a child in the first place.

Have you ever intentionally set a building, structure or vehicle on fire?

Yes, but to be fair, there's a lot of crazy stuff that goes on at Burning Man.

Have you ever threatened anyone over the Internet?

Who's to say what really constitutes a "threat" these days. By the way, what's your email?

Have you ever exposed yourself to anyone in public?

Where else would one expose themselves?

Have you ever tried to take your life?

Only every time I hear Gordon Lightfoot.

New show: Lazy man waiting for a pizza

2008-11-17T12:09:00.000-05:00

I've often been sitting in front of the TV and wondered...how can I sustain myself with the least effort possible? Calling to order food is great, as long as the phone is within reach. Going online to order isn't even an option, since I have to scale 12 stairs to get to the computer.

But now, thanks to Domino's and Tivo. I can order pizza directly through my remote. I can even track my pizza on the screen while I'm waiting for it to arrive. (Which can't be any more boring than watching Sunrise Earth )

Since Tivo likes to anticipate my needs with regard to tv shows, although I'm still not clear how watching Ninja Warrior would make me a fan of Shear Genius, I'm hoping it will eventually just order pizzas for me so I don't even have to put forth the effort to even think about it.

In lieu of payment, please accept this spider

2008-11-14T16:42:00.000-05:00

From Geekologie.com: David Thorne didn't have the $233.95 to pay an lieu overdue account. So what did he do? What any other budding young genius would do, he submitted a picture of a spider he drew instead.

Be sure and read the whole email chain here.

Urine orbit

2008-11-14T12:38:00.001-05:00

Ground control to Major Tom: Don't drink the water.

NASA will soon be installing a new device on the International Space Station that should put a fun spin on drinking clean water in space. This handy machine will process the astronauts' urine into drinking water. I guess Bear Grylls is now in charge of mission control over there - seriously, I've never seen one man drink so much of his own urine with so much gusto.

NASA, though, seems to think this is a great idea.

"We did blind taste tests of the water," said NASA's Bob Bagdigian, the system's lead engineer. "Nobody had any strong objections. Other than a faint taste of iodine, it is just as refreshing as any other kind of water."

"I've got some in my fridge," he added. "It tastes fine to me."

So if you ever get invited over to Bob Bagdigan's house for dinner, for god sakes bring you own water. Who know's what else he's got in his fridge. Oh, and don't confuse him with Bob Balaban, he's cool and only drinks Dasani.

Phillies fans actually don't boo someone

2008-11-14T10:37:00.003-05:00

How big is Will?

Apparently in Philly he's huge.

For a town that's booed pretty much everybody and everything, it's nice to see them cheer for something.

World's ugliest dog goes to world's ugliest heaven

2008-11-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

Sad news to report from the world of ugly animals.

Gus, a Chinese crested, voted recently as the world's ugliest dog, died the other day at the age of nine. Nine in ugly dog years actually works out to 167 in ugly human years.

"He took me to amazing places," owner Jeanenne Teed recounts. "Who would have thought, that one little dog with no hair ..."

Hopefully she wasn't talking about where she went to bury him. I have a reasonably attractive dog with hair, and the only place he ever took me was to a deer carcas in the woods. Gus now joins Agnes, the worlds ugliest ferret and Cecil the world's ugliest wildebeast in ugly animal heaven.

We'll miss you Gus, you little hairless bastard.

Looking out for number one

2008-11-10T11:21:00.000-05:00

Our hats go off to Jersey City Councilman Stephen Lipski today.

Lipski, who apparently likes to get his drink on in da club, has vowed to stop drinking after he was busted for urinating off a club balcony in Washington D.C. Saturday night. Unfortunately for club patrons, he was still inside the club when nature called.

While it's great that he's offered to stop drinking, unlike Chuck Berry and R. Kelly, it seems like he could really set a good example by vowing not to urinate on people anymore.

Why I don't jog

2008-11-07T12:44:00.000-05:00

Nobody looks good when they jog. I must see at least a dozen people every weekend lurching down the street dripping in sweat and gasping for air all in the name of "exercise." It seems like a pretty fruitless endeavor, but it turns out it's also incredibly dangerous.

A jogger in Arizona was bitten by a fox on Monday and then proceeded to do what any level-headed person would do when attacked by a potentially rabid wild animal that can't be dislodged from one's flesh. She kept it clamped to her arm as she ran back up the trail - for about a mile - and then stashed it in her car to take it to the hospital to have it tested for rabies.

Oh, and when she got to the hospital, the fox bit an animal control officer. So now the two will be receiving a series of painful rabies shots.

I've never jogged, but I've also never been bitten by a rabid fox while sitting in a bar chainsmoking.

Chickens hate hot air balloons

2008-11-06T09:12:00.000-05:00

If you're planning a hot air balloon ride over the English countryside this weekend...for god sakes please don't.

Abbi Vincent-Lloyd, a chicken farmer in Herefordshire claims that hot air balloons and airplanes flying over her farm are causing her chickens to go crazy and die.

She claimed the stress of seeing the enormous balloons overhead caused them to run for cover.

It is as they desperately try to find shelter that they bump into each other or their surroundings, exploding the eggs inside them, she said.

This in turn causes an infection, which is thought to have led to scores of them dying.

Miss Vincent-Lloyd, 32, said post mortems of the animals revealed they had died from peritonitis, developed from the egg being released inside them.

She said: "I had lost about 15 birds when I decided to have the vet do a post mortem on two of them.

"I told the vet about the hot-air balloons and jets flying low over the farm and straight away he said that was the cause.

That's my kind of medical professional. You tell him what you think is wrong and he agrees. A diagnosis like that really slams the door on any lingering doubt.

Most hot air balloons seem pretty harmless, but I could see how this one might upset a few chickens. It's sad to see such a majestic creature that could have lived a long and fulfilling life die at least two weeks before their time.

Running Shrimp meets Benny Hill

2008-11-04T12:41:00.000-05:00

So I think it's been pretty well established that the theme song from the Benny Hill Show makes everything funny. But it turns out it also makes seemingly useless scientific research more interesting as well.

Finally...

2008-11-03T12:07:00.000-05:00

I've always thought that the Twinkie would be the absolutely perfect food if it was only 1/3 smaller. Aside from the fact that it's just way to filling in it's current size, it's also just not easily transportable. Every day when I see the parade of sad children pulling a Coleman cooler as a lunch box just so that they can have a Twinkie for desert, I'm saddened. I'm actually surprised Andy Rooney hasn't gotten on this issue yet, but there is rampant speculation that he's been paid hush money from "Big Twinkie" just to keep the status quo on the issue.

In a shout out to over-sized middle America, or Joe the pre-diabetic, as that voting block prefers to be known as, Twinkies will now be avaiable in a 100 calorie version.

I'll give that a moment to sink in. There are probably a lot of people trying to catch their breath from scrolling so fast.

According to David Leavitt, vice president of snack marketing at Hostess:

...people asked for a lightened version and the company got to work. They didn't want to just shrink the Twinkie, known for its elongated shape, Leavitt said, so they created three, miniature round versions. Leavitt said people enjoy having multiple bites rather than just the one product...

So you just ask Hostess to do something and they "get to work." God bless them. Appratently, though, they won't kill for you. So stop asking them. And who doesn't enjoy multiple bites when they're eating something? Isn't that the logic behind the 72-ounce steak they offer throughout Texas? Or the Toblerone?

I just think it's great. Finally a Twinkie we can all enjoy. And now that we've conquered diabetes, especially in kids, we can all eat a Twinkie without any guilt. Heck, since you love multiple bites so much, have three or four.

Mike Singletary Unleashes the 13th Man

2008-10-31T09:30:00.000-04:00

Knock knock
Who's there?
Mike Singletary's buttocks.
Huh?

I guess new 49ers coach Mike Singletary never saw the movie Meatballs.

His post-game news conference is already the stuff of legend. Rivaled only by Jim Mora's "playoffs" tirade and Dennis Green's "they are who we thought they were" meltdown.

Here's the thing, this was Singletary's first day as a head coach. I always thought day one was about getting to know your co-workers, orientation, filling out HR forms and whatnot. But it turns Singletary wanted to make an even bigger splash on the first day at the helm. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

When his team hit the Candlestick Park locker room at halftime trailing the Seahawks 20-3, Singletary called everyone to attention, dropped his pants and pointed to his rear end, to fully illustrate what the coach thought of his players' performance.

As far as motivation goes, it doesn't seem like this one worked too well. The 49ers lost 34-13.

Needless to say, everyone is hoping that the 49ers will cover the spread this week.

Dreams

2008-10-30T16:25:00.001-04:00

From the good people at Despair.com comes today's demotivator. Their store has some great posters, calendars and apparel. It's good when you are looking for a gift for the cynic on your list. They also let you make your own demotivator prints. Nightline actually did a feature on them a few months ago which was pretty interesting. It's really a boom time now for those in the demotivation business. I guess it shows that all of those old motivational posters really just didn't work so well. Oh well, until things turn around, I guess I'll just hang in there baby.

Wanna spice up your commute? Try Parkour

2008-10-29T09:46:00.000-04:00

What's the most efficient way to get around an urban area without a car? If you said Segway, it turns out you're wrong. (On a side note: if you participate in a Segway polo league, you should be sterilized)

If you believe the French...and who really can these days..It's Parkour.
What's Parkour you ask? Why, it's a recreational pursuit in which participants traverse urban structures by running, jumping, vaulting, rolling, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about efficiency, but I don't see how vaulting and/or rolling over urban structures can make your trip more efficient. It's pretty cool, though, and you've probably seen Parkour in several commercials and movies.

Since every thing seems to be fair game for jumping off of or vaulting over, if you want to keep Parkour out of your neighborhood I would reccomend greasing up your car and building immediately.

Kim Bain Kicks Bass

2008-10-28T12:00:00.001-04:00

While much has been written in the past few months about the first woman to almost win the democratic nomination for president and the first woman to tank a presidential election for the republicans, I have to give props to Kim Bain, the first woman to qualify for the Bassmaster Classic. It's the first time a woman will fish the Classic in its 38-year history.

I know this might come as a surprise, but I know nothing about fishing. I never understood those bumper stickers that said "A bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work," and I don't think the fish would agree with those sentiments. But I think Bain's accomplishment trancends Bass fishing and is historic. It took women like Annika Sorenstam and Danica Patrick to break their respective sports out of relative obscurity and generate mainstream excitement, so here's hoping that Bain can secure some lucrative endorsements.

Today's Person of the Day: Leo the Dog

2008-10-27T09:50:00.000-04:00

More from Australia....I guess the news is just more interesting since they have other things going on besides an election. The Herald Sun of Melbourne first reported the story of Leo the terrier who risked his life to protect several kittens that had been left behind by their mother in a burning house. Here's to you Leo.

Larry David on the election

2008-10-24T08:04:00.000-04:00

Great perspective on the election from Larry David in Wednesday's Huffington Post.

Jolly good bird

2008-10-23T13:01:00.000-04:00

From the animals you wouldn't expect to eat other animals department comes the newest threat to birds everywhere...spiders.

This comes from Australia, where the food chain is pretty much a free for all...so I think the bird probably had it coming.

Joel Shakespeare, the head spider keeper at the Austrailian Reptile Park calls this "unusual."

Way to shine with the sound bite Joel.

One of Great Britain's fine papers wrote a complete story about this picture, but seriously, what more needs to be said?

Where are all the Hobos?

2008-10-22T14:15:00.000-04:00

I've always been fond of the word Hobo.

Growing up in New York City we didn't have Hobos, but an ecclectic mix of Panhandlers, Transients and Bums, who I guess all fell under the umbrella demographic of "the homeless." These weren't the freewheelin', rail-ridin', all-my-blongingins-tied-up-at-the-end-of-a-stick wayward wandering types one would associate with the word. They were more likely to wash your car window as you entered the city - like there is some sort of windshield cleanliness standard expected of new visitors - hit you up for money or scream obscenities at you. I never saw anyone actually using a pan to panhandle, but that's for another posting. I don't think those guys who just held the sign which overtly asked for booze were ever assigned their own sub-group within "the homeless," since cleverness seemed to be viewed more as a liabilitiy than an asset.

I guess I've always wondered what constituted a real Hobo. So I did a little digging and I found that there is actually an entire culture of Hobos according to this resource for all things Hobo.

To the neo-phyte, imagine a way of life where you are not bound by time schedules, home owner bill, job expectations, the IRS, you can live where you want, sleep where you want, travel wherever you want as long as its' in the continental US and Canada. Never pay a travel fare unless you want to, never pay rent, electric, gas, water, or cable bills, never pay taxes, and see places in the US and Canada others only see in the movies, or in a magazine. Sound like the lifestyle of Bill Gates, or Donald Trump?, well hundreds of folks live that kind of life every day, in fact that kind of life/culture has been going on since just after Americas' Civil War. A lifestyle/culture so sweet, so addictive, so seductive, so intoxicating, that those of us who retire after 20, 30, even 40 years of are never really free of it.

Addictive, seductive and intoxicating? Who knew that riding the rails was better than Vodka and Vicodin? (Mix the two together with a spash of Mr. Pibb - I call it a "V for Vendetta.")

There is actually a Hobo convention each year in Britt, Iowa. I guess that's where their town slogan - Britt, Iowa - The Sturgis of the Downtrodden - comes from. Ironically, the convention is organized by the Britt Chamber of Commerce. Commerce....Hobos....leave it to those sharp Iowans to make that connection. I'll be going next year and I've already promised 30 people a ride from the train station.